So many ways to have good clean fun…

Ok, so this past Thanksgiving we got a dog.  She is a sweet, cuddly, happy, and INCREDIBLY rambunctious dog.  I have no idea what breed she is, but shes a sweetheart nonetheless.

  Now, the problem that I’m having is this, no matter how recently shes eaten, no matter the treats I give her, no matter what I say, the minute I leave she scatters the trash across the entire house.  I mean seriously, I never knew just how much trash could be in a half full can.  I try to take it out every time we leave, but when I forget?…. lets just say that she believes in that Zoolander fashion… what was it?  “Gar’Bage”?

Anyway, the worst part is shes about 2 1/2 and we got her from the pound.  Her previous owner/s most likely abandoned her since Lied (the animal shelter) found her in a field with no tags/collar/chip.  As such, when we picked her up we became her saviors… and she treats us like them.  If either me or my girlfriend go to the bathroom, she follows us, to make sure we dont leave, if I take a shower she will push aside the curtain so I can’t escape, if I go into another room she follows so I don’t run away.  I swear, if she were human I would be considering a restraining order.

So, because of her incredibly needy/psychotic nature when I punish her you would think her world had cracked open and dumped her into the abyss.  She will hover and watch me for signs that I’m not mad at her anymore at which point she’ll come bounding over in bliss that the love of her life has decided she’s worthy once more (you think im exaggerating don’t you? HA!) and proceed to be as loving as she can possibly be.  At least until I leave again, at which point it rinses and repeats.

Also, I swear to God this dog’s tail is a lethal weapon.  Its as hard as a Shinai, about 2 feet long, and she wags it so hard she cuts herself on the walls.  Seriously, around my house I have spots of blood from her cutting her tail on the wall, and then continuing to wag it,  thus splattering/smearing blood in a strangely artistic manner at random intervals, all about 2-3 feet off the ground.  Could she be a reincarnated impressionist?  WHO KNOWS?

Oh well, I’m trying to figure out what to do about her trashcan diving, I dont want a new trash can that she can’t get into, I want her to stop of her own volition, but I’m not quite sure how to instil “values” in a dog.  

Oh well,  I guess my real new years resolution should be this.  ” I resolve to take the time (patiently) to teach my dog to behave (without firearms) I resolve to teach her to calm down when asked (without using a whip) and to behave properly when I’m gone (without locking her in a dungeon) Finally I resolve to take the time to teach her properly, and not to get upset (much) when she messes up.   

Happy New Year!

Christmas as the holiday has always been about giving.  Be it presents, or the spirit itself, the point has always been (supposedly) to make others feel warm at heart.  Well, what I am going to talk about here is a complete perversion of the entire principle of the season.

  Here in our beautiful city of Las Vegas we have (as most cities do) an area where the obscenely rich (and those who like to pretend they are) live.  This area goes by the name “Spanish Trail”. 

 Now, Spanish Trail is a gated community housing some 700+ residents.  The Median price of a home there is well above 1 million dollars, and it has a golf course in the center of the place. 

  Unfortunately, much like the apple that Snow White in her naivety consumed, this jewel also seems to have a poisoned center.  The H.O.A.  (Home Owners Association) regulates the properties throughout Spanish Trail.  The purpose of this organization is to maintain/improve property values, cover maintainance throughout the grounds, and maintain a security force to protect the residents.

  Now, during the Christmas season, one of the things that is very nice to get (as I am sure everyone will agree)  is a Christmas bonus.  Its not a necessity, but it certainly does warm the cockles of one’s heart.  Anyway, it has come to my attention that…. how should I put this… “The distribution of bonuses throughout the Spanish Trail staff employed by the HOA would appear to be a bit… unfair”

Basically, what it comes down to is the office staff all recieved at the minimum 500 dollars in bonus money.  The guards who keep the community safe recieved….. A very nice card thanking them for thier hard work, and an expired 2 for 1 coupon……

  Does it get any more crass then that?  I mean seriously, how low can you possibly go?  “Thank you so much for your service, to show our appreciation we are going to spit on you, and you had better like it”.  Personally I am appalled that ANYONE could be so pathetically lacking in basic human compassion or their fellow man.  It gets worse though.

   So, listen to this.  Several of the residents of Spanish Trail personally brought Christmas bonus money to the HOA for the guards, and yet…. they never got it.  There were presents brought for the guards….. They disappeared as well.  

Its strange to think that there could be a wolf in sheeps clothing stalking along and pocketing anything that they care to in a season of giving… Sadly it seems to be true.  

When questioned about the bonus money for the guards I heard the captain reply that “the residents only brought about 500 dollars… if I split it amongst you that would only be about 10 bucks apiece” (on a side note there are aproximately 33 guards 500 divided by 33=10?  I must have failed basic math).  He also said in regards to the office giving them a bonus ”had they worked as a team they would have gotten one, if I felt they deserved it”.  The interesting thing is…. He got a hefty bonus himself.  Mabye its my military days getting back to me, but isn’t the captain responisble for those beneath him?  Bah, hogwash.

 Now, im not one to make crazy accusations like… Thievery, Embezzlement, Stealing, Lack of professionalism, and other crazy big words like that….. Then again, mabye someone should?

  Happy New Year!

This has been an interesting year for weather in Las Vegas.  In early March right after the movie “The Mist” came out Vegas was enveloped by the worst fog I have seen in my entire life,  I realize that by English standards this might have paled, but when you are used to a humidity of 2% its really something.  My girlfriend and I went to the top of the Stratosphere(casino) and when we looked out we literally could not see the strip, no lights, no buildings, no ground.  It was a surreal experience to say the least.

Then, last Sunday I was told we were going to be getting snow this week.  I scoffed in my smugly superior manner, and was totally certain that if we did indeed get snow it would be approximately 17 flakes… total.  Then, to my amazement on Monday it ACTUALLY snowed… a little, we got about a quarter inch on some parts of the city and it was really something.  My girlfriend (who had never seen snowfall) begged me to go to the park and play in it.  The only problem, was that by the time got there it was raining (rain falling on snow, at 33 degrees isint pleasant).

Then, Yesterday it actually snowed.  Im not talking about a half inch here and there, it was an actual snowstorm that was as bad as any I saw in Korea.  Traffic stopped moving, buissnesses shut down, cars tried to stop and kept right on going, the freeway top speed was about 40.  It was total chaos, and it occured to me.  Vegas is completely unprepared for anything like this.  We have no plows, no salt, no provisions in place, no planning at all.  The funny thing is… can you really blame us?  I mean… this is like a tidal wave in Colorado, or a tornado in Hawaii, its like the rain storm we had about 12 years ago when houses literally washed down creeks which were swollen to rivers.  I wonder what sort of emergency proceedures will be put into place after this?

Ok… so who the hell throws a shoe at a visiting head of state?  I mean seriously, I heard so many people talking about our President being an idiot and yadda yadda because some Iraqi reporter threw a shoe at him.  Well, I for one think he did pretty well dodging both the damn things (he moves pretty spryly for an old boy)  I mean don’t get me wrong I dislike him as much as the next guy, but give the man his due.

Personally in my opinion the Iraqi’s a freaking idiot who ought to be shot (accidentally of course).  I mean of all the freaking idiotic things you can do….

*An Al Qaeda camp somewhere in Iraq 3 days ago*

Habbib:  Hail Brother!  are you ready to punish the infidels for their dangerous, corrupt, pagan, impure, hedonistic, unIslamic, pork eating ways?!

Muntazer:  YES BROTHER! I have spent the last 2 years infiltrating the traitorous news networks of our desert oasis paradise. Now I shall have my REVENGE!                                   I  shall PUNISH the yankee scum for their transgressions!

Habbib:  YES BROTHER! JIHAD ON THE DOGS!  what will you use to destroy them?  C4?  a pipe bomb?  an IED?

Muntazer: NO!  I WILL USE!….. MY SHOES!…

Habbib:  ………

On a side note Muntazer was released from service within the Al Qaeda organization, and unconfirmed sources say he cries himself to sleep over the loss of  respect this has cost him.  He is reported to repeat to himself over and over again in his cell “but they always said my feet my most deadly weapons”

Oh well, I tremble to think what new retarded idea of protest we’ll see out of Iraq on the Morrow.  Good Night!

Ok, so last week I decided that I was going to start donating plasma.  I researched the record breaking THREE plasma donation companies here in the greater Las Vegas area and finally decided upon going to Biomat.  I called in an appointment, scheduled it for last Sunday, and proceeded to be excited about helping out the community, doing my civil service, and yadda yadda yak yak.  Anyway, I arrived 30 minutes early to my 10 am appointment, walked in, and stared.  Before me sat a seething mass of humanity such as you find at a free clinic, there must have been 50 people crammed into a 15 by 20 ft room all staring intently at  a plasma screen playing rush hour 3.  I hesitantly stepped into the room feeling very out of place and  took my place amongst the throng, and then waited for my name to be called.  When I was finally called up to the counter I walked up and was asked for my social security card, my license, and…. proof of residence?  What the heck?  Is this an attempt to save us all from… illegal alien blood? I mean seriously… if the plasma is needed, the people want to donate, does it matter where they live?  The plasma’s going to be tested so freaking much that they are GOING to find if something is wrong, so what the heck do you need proof of residence for?

I was sitting in the break room today, and complaining about this when my coworker decided to enlighten me.  Apparently the reason they ask for this is so they can compile a list of viable donors, and to stop aids infected crack hos from infecting everyone.  First off, if someone comes to the counter with a twitch and a sniffle its simple, TURN THEM AWAY!  Second, I already get massive amount of spam, and/or telemarketing calls off of other lists that I have sadly found myself upon.  Are you now telling me I am going to be telemarketed for my kidneys?  i can see it now “Hi there!  YOU have been randomly determined to be eligible to win a brand new 2009 Corvette!  In order to qualify for this exciting opportunity you must simply fill out this simple questionare!”

*By filling out this questionnaire you  agree to provide the company (hereafter referred to as wewillscrewyou inc.) complete rights to all organs, bodily fluids, and extremities you may have in your possession, or for a time up to 50 years after you sign said questionnaire.  

….. *shudder*

My point is this, if the plasma gets tested regardless of what you have or don’t have, it makes no difference one way or another.  Therefore why put limits on who can or can’t donate?  If the plasma is obviously not viable, deny the payment, and toss the stuff.  If it IS then take it and save a life, it just makes sense….

OK, so I’m sure some of you have heard about the new proposed legislation in California.  You know, the one where they want to euthanize every single Pit bull?  What you may NOT know is that I am completely in favor of this.  Yes, I know its amazing to hear, but let me explain.  according to www.dogbitelaw.com there are roughly 20 deaths per year from dog bites.  THIS IS ATROCIOUS AND CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE!  Furthermore, there are almost 5 million bites period per year.  Therefore ladies and gentlemen I have to say that this law must be upheld by EVERY god fearing American man, woman, and child.  However, I have to admit that the scale needs to be increased.  according to this same website over 65% of the fatalities caused by dog bites were by pit bulls, rottweilers, Presa Canarios(whatever the hell those are), and their mixes.  So therefore we need to exterminate them as well.  Also, the article glosses over how Many of those almost 5 million dog bites per year are not those three breeds, so I respectfully submit that we need to kill all other breeds as well.

Of course this is in the interests of keeping our public safe, so we CANNOT afford to ignore several other hazards as well.  For example, according to science direct there are roughly 100 deaths per year to Americans FIVE TIMES THE NUMBER FROM DOG BITES!  Therefore, I feel it is our duty to ban lightning.  We can put up massive shields made from the bodies of all the euthanized dogs to keep out storm systems.  Next, we have bees THESE MURDEROUS INSECTS MUST DIE!  Every year according to http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/117/1/231.pdf  bees kill roughly 40 Americans.  THAT’S TWICE THE NUMBER OF THOSE MURDEROUS CANINES! Harmless little honey makers indeed!

Moving on, you thought that once we get rid of those murderous canines your home will be safe? NOT LIKELY!  All you have to do is look at those calculating felines to just KNOW they are plotting against us.  According to http://www.emedicine.com/ped/topic333.htm Almost 22000 of us are hospitalized every year from cat scratch fever! (No, not the one from the song). The MEDIAN costs for this disease in the hospital is almost 46000 dollars.  The little bastards are trying to bankrupt us! I say kill them too and add them to the rotting anti lightning dog wall.

Next we have a personal “favorite” of mine, fires.  Almost two years ago my parents were killed in a house fire.  It was started probably by a cigarette and they joined (according to http://hazmat.dot.gov/riskmgmt/riskcompare.htm) roughly 3300 other souls who died in the same manner.  Now that is a number that’s PER year, as you can see fire is more deadly then everything else put together so far.  Therefore I move that we abolish fire.  Now obviously this may be difficult, but Ive thought it out.  First, since our rotting dog, cat, and various insect wall is keeping the lightning out we don’t have to worry about naturally occurring fires.  SO, we take all the wood (because you can rub two sticks together to make fire)  and throw it in the ocean.  Next, we dig out all the sulfur, potassium, and other minerals that you use to make match heads, and throw it in a nuclear reactor.  Of course I realize this would put all the people who use fire for their daily activities at a loss, but you will be contributing to the safety of the country.  Next of course we need to remove all lighters.  To do that we need to immediately halt all production of flammable fluids, kerosene, gasoline, light fluid etc.  This has the effect of killing two birds with one stone.  We stop fires, AND we stop moving vehicle collisions (another 37000 per year)

Continuing on, the only material that was have to build our houses with at this time would be stone, and brick.  However, these are both dangerous substances that would also have to be abolished.  We also of course could not wear any clothes as sheep can be very dangerous if you are stepped on, and synthetics require too many deadly chemicals.  So we can all live injury, and accident free in a massive communal nudist colony located somewhere in California.  Now granted this would only be a short-term solution considering the San Andreas fault might erupt killing us all. As such I believe our final solution would be mass suicide inside of our rotting cat/dog/insect wall.  After all…

Its the only way to be safe

   Well, I have been writing Rants and Raves (hence the name) for about 2 years on my space.  As a matter of fact, my friends mother has actually named me “the rant man”.  Since that first fateful day when I got online and started complaining about a certain Corvette driver who was so concerned about the paint job on his pathetic attempt to reinstate his masculinity that he drove 10 miles under the speed limit on the freeway….. (wheew) I have found that I really do enjoy writing.  Finally I have (after searching off and on for about 6 months) succeeded in finding a way to do so, and I’m looking forward to it!