So many ways to have good clean fun…

OK, so I’m sure some of you have heard about the new proposed legislation in California.  You know, the one where they want to euthanize every single Pit bull?  What you may NOT know is that I am completely in favor of this.  Yes, I know its amazing to hear, but let me explain.  according to www.dogbitelaw.com there are roughly 20 deaths per year from dog bites.  THIS IS ATROCIOUS AND CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE!  Furthermore, there are almost 5 million bites period per year.  Therefore ladies and gentlemen I have to say that this law must be upheld by EVERY god fearing American man, woman, and child.  However, I have to admit that the scale needs to be increased.  according to this same website over 65% of the fatalities caused by dog bites were by pit bulls, rottweilers, Presa Canarios(whatever the hell those are), and their mixes.  So therefore we need to exterminate them as well.  Also, the article glosses over how Many of those almost 5 million dog bites per year are not those three breeds, so I respectfully submit that we need to kill all other breeds as well.

Of course this is in the interests of keeping our public safe, so we CANNOT afford to ignore several other hazards as well.  For example, according to science direct there are roughly 100 deaths per year to Americans FIVE TIMES THE NUMBER FROM DOG BITES!  Therefore, I feel it is our duty to ban lightning.  We can put up massive shields made from the bodies of all the euthanized dogs to keep out storm systems.  Next, we have bees THESE MURDEROUS INSECTS MUST DIE!  Every year according to http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/117/1/231.pdf  bees kill roughly 40 Americans.  THAT’S TWICE THE NUMBER OF THOSE MURDEROUS CANINES! Harmless little honey makers indeed!

Moving on, you thought that once we get rid of those murderous canines your home will be safe? NOT LIKELY!  All you have to do is look at those calculating felines to just KNOW they are plotting against us.  According to http://www.emedicine.com/ped/topic333.htm Almost 22000 of us are hospitalized every year from cat scratch fever! (No, not the one from the song). The MEDIAN costs for this disease in the hospital is almost 46000 dollars.  The little bastards are trying to bankrupt us! I say kill them too and add them to the rotting anti lightning dog wall.

Next we have a personal “favorite” of mine, fires.  Almost two years ago my parents were killed in a house fire.  It was started probably by a cigarette and they joined (according to http://hazmat.dot.gov/riskmgmt/riskcompare.htm) roughly 3300 other souls who died in the same manner.  Now that is a number that’s PER year, as you can see fire is more deadly then everything else put together so far.  Therefore I move that we abolish fire.  Now obviously this may be difficult, but Ive thought it out.  First, since our rotting dog, cat, and various insect wall is keeping the lightning out we don’t have to worry about naturally occurring fires.  SO, we take all the wood (because you can rub two sticks together to make fire)  and throw it in the ocean.  Next, we dig out all the sulfur, potassium, and other minerals that you use to make match heads, and throw it in a nuclear reactor.  Of course I realize this would put all the people who use fire for their daily activities at a loss, but you will be contributing to the safety of the country.  Next of course we need to remove all lighters.  To do that we need to immediately halt all production of flammable fluids, kerosene, gasoline, light fluid etc.  This has the effect of killing two birds with one stone.  We stop fires, AND we stop moving vehicle collisions (another 37000 per year)

Continuing on, the only material that was have to build our houses with at this time would be stone, and brick.  However, these are both dangerous substances that would also have to be abolished.  We also of course could not wear any clothes as sheep can be very dangerous if you are stepped on, and synthetics require too many deadly chemicals.  So we can all live injury, and accident free in a massive communal nudist colony located somewhere in California.  Now granted this would only be a short-term solution considering the San Andreas fault might erupt killing us all. As such I believe our final solution would be mass suicide inside of our rotting cat/dog/insect wall.  After all…

Its the only way to be safe

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